January 2007

Late Night Contemplations

So, here I am, sitting with my mice, late at night. I think that there is a point at which one can no longer read journal articles and the like, especially if one has many hours both invested and remaining in a study (we do 24 hour studies, working in shifts). I find that at the point that the science stops soaking in, my brain shifts into a more contemplative and introspective mode. Excellent! A good time to write a blog entry.

What is on my mind lately? Well my research of course. I have had a major shift this year in the project that I was working on, so I need to reeducate myself and get ready to write manuscripts and make presentations. I'm not sure how I'm going to get it all done before I finish in June, but I don't think any scientist ever feels like they have enough time, whether it's in terms of a specific grant or manuscript, or in terms of an entire career.

I admit it's a bit ironic that I'm pondering the end of a career when I am only just at the beginning of mine. I am officially in job hunt mode for next year (or next 5-50 years, for that matter). Up to this point, I have always been in training mode, from undergrad to vet medical school to internships to postdoc. I find that seeking an actual job (!) is an entirely different process, and is perhaps somewhat cathartic.

When one is applying to training programs (undergrad, postdocs, etc), it is pretty much dictated what one has to do to become a successful candidate: Take these courses, have this experience, have these test scores. It is really rather formulaic. Sure, everyone brings their own unique experience and background to the table. But ultimately there is a bit of an academic clone phenomenon, particularly in the biomedical sciences. I hate to be harsh, but it's true.

Not so of the "real" world of getting a job. There are *so* many different ways to use the same skill, and so many jobs that could be filled by applicants with very different backgrounds. The question becomes, how do I decide which job my particular skill set is best suited for? What job will make me happy? And indeed, how dependent should I be on my job to make me happy, and how much of happiness comes from somewhere else?

Now, I consider myself a relatively introspective person. But I think that it has been a long time since I have been forced to examine myself *this* closely, to prioritize, to learn to compromise, to decide what I can sacrifice and what is truly important to me. Because there is no perfect job, and I won't get everything that I want on my career wish list. To give you an idea how far off any job will be from what I have listed as the attributes of a "perfect job," the Stanford SOM career counselor and I decided that my perfect job would be performing surgery, on an airplane, acting as both surgeon and pilot, with a horse as the anesthetist. Oh, and with a clone of myself to stay home and take care of my pets and ride my bike.

Right. Not going to happen. So then what? Unlike being a student, there is no predetermined endpoint of this next experience. It may not be forever, but one has to take one's best shot at figuring out what might work over the long haul. And let me tell you, I have learned *so* much more about myself in determining what I am willing to sacrifice, than in making lists of what I want. It is only when one takes that "must have" list and pares it down, and one says to oneself "if I can only have three things on this list of 10, what would they be," that one really begins to discover what fuel is required to keep one's daily flame burning (both within and outside of work).

Of course, maybe you will get 9 of your 10, and good for you. But life usually doesn't work that way. Part of being a postdoc is making the transition from trainee to professional. It is a time for enormous personal growth, as well as professional. It marks the end of a very transitory existence, in and out of schools, states, countries, and into a very broad future, full of choices that one doesn't get to make as a student. Daunting. Yet terribly exciting. All I know for sure is, you better *know* yourself before you make the leap.